A new voice beckons me. She is quite annoying, calling to me in the middle of the night while I try to sleep, yet strangely silent when I ask her to speak. Without discipline, she lives within storylines, ideas, and thoughts, a parade of possibilities eager for exploration.
I retired at the end of the day on December 31, 2020. That evening, I asked Alexa to cancel my 4:30 a.m. alarm for the following day. “Do you want to cancel all 4:30 a.m. alarms?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied. I had been looking forward to making that statement all week.
The following Monday, I woke up later than usual and texted my former associates, telling them I would be extremely late for work. I still have not arrived and have chosen to blame my absence on mountains of snow.
John keeps asking me if I feel retired yet. I honestly do not have an answer to that question. I am not sure what retirement is supposed to feel like.
I spent the first week of retirement staring off into space. Sometimes there was a strange screen in front of me. I wrapped myself in sweats and watched babbling characters march across this strange screen, immersed in some fictitious event. The cup of coffee laced with dark powdered cocoa warmed my hands. Next to me, the poodle had already fallen to sleep.
That new annoying voice reminded me that I promised not to be the old woman sitting in front of the television set eating Bon Bons and watching soap operas. I told her to shut up; I was too busy to entertain such thoughts. John asked me if I was talking to him. “No,” I said, “I am talking to the poodle.
In my defense, over the course of weeks, I have learned to pamper myself with hot baths and great books, allowing my mind to wander, ponder and reflect.
“You should do something with those thoughts,” the voice says.
After six decades of living, what exactly do I want to say? As I sit in front of the dreaded blank page writers always talk about, I wonder if I need lessons on how to listen.
Frankly, the freedom of retirement is both a blessing and a challenge. After many years of tight schedules, one is left to build a daily structure from scratch. I also am left to find my voice, one that is my own, beyond the dictates of my past. The responsibility can be intimidating, especially if one wants life to matter.
In the middle of the night, the voice comes to life and reminds me of dreams waiting for life, words yet to be written, art yet to be captured. When most of the world is silent, the voice in my head is not. I scribble some notes on the pad next to my bed to guide the coming day.
“Where do I start?” I ask.
“Just where you are,” says the voice, “at the beginning.”
4 Responses
I cannot wait to hear from the beginning. You have always been creative!
Thanks so much, Nia. I so appreciate your encouragement and support. When I was working, I started a lot of projects that ended up filed away. I simply got side-tracked by life, so I have a lot of unfinished ideas “haunting” me. I think a lot of my writing will be in this blog, as it is the perfect place for a lot of my shorter stuff. But…I also am thinking about a book. Just the thought gives me chills. I am a bundle of excitement and nervous energy. The idea of beginning hit the mark for me; it is tough to determine which direction to go when one is trying to follow her heart into unchartered territory. I have been doing some reading to help me focus and center. Time will tell.
Deb
It has been more than a year since your post here about beginning retirement. I am on the cusp of retiring after 44 years of OR nursing and am curious what words of wisdom or suggestions you may wish to pass on besides turning off the alarm. Sleep is so lovely on my days off…
Pat,
I am so sorry there has been such a long delay with my reply. I have been having some difficulties with receiving notifications of new comments and just saw your comment today. Please know that I appreciate you reaching out to me. In answer to your question – Last night, I had dinner with two of my former work friends. They asked me a similar question about retirement, and I told them I was trying to figure out what I want to do and be when I grow up. Retirement is about recreating yourself for a different season in life and with that comes a wonderful opportunity to explore new choices and passions. It has, though, also been a challenge. It is easy to fall into what I call the “strife” trap, replacing the structure of a formal job with other work projects. I spent so many years, getting ahead, that it became natural to try to “get ahead” with something else, replacing one obligation with another. In the end, I am learning that the passions I thought were important were no longer a priority. Retirement is altogether a different way of living. My suggestions? Take a deep breath, relax, and walk into retirement slowly. Think about the people who are important to you and build strong relationships. Reach out and experiment. Spend your time in what is most important to you, but don’t be afraid to set limits or head in a different direction. Retirement will change you and reinventing yourself is normal.